Archive for October 10th, 2008
Posted by kathavarta on October 10, 2008
A man goes up to a stock broker says, “I want to open a so-and-so trading account!”
Blanching, the lady replies, “Excuse me, sir, what did you just say?”
“Listen you, dag-nab it, I said I want to open a trading account this instant!”
“Pardon me, sir, but we do not stand for that sort of talk in this institution!”
The stock broker leaves her desk and goes to her boss and tells him about her predicament. They both come back to her desk where the boss asks the man, “Is there a problem, sir?”
“I don’t have a dang problem,” the man says, “I just inherited 100 million and I want to open a so-and-so trading account with this blankety-blank brokerage!”
“I get the picture sir,” the boss says, “and this wench of a broker is causing you a problem?”
From: www.onlyfunnystories.com
Posted in Funny Story, Story for Adult, Varta | Tagged: Acceptance, Accuracy, Act, Adult, Advice, Alert, Attitude, Care, Clever, Complaint, Courage, Foolish, Help, Humour, Pretend, Priority, Richness, Story for Adult, Varta, Wisdom, Wit | Leave a Comment »
Posted by kathavarta on October 10, 2008
Tech Rep: “Yes, it is. How may I help you?”
Caller: “The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?”
Tech Rep: “I’m sorry, but did you say a cup holder?”
Caller: “Yes, it’s attached to the front of my computer.”
Tech Rep: “Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, it’s because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotion, at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?”
Caller: “It came with my computer, I don’t know anything about a promotion. It just has ’4X’ on it.”
At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn’t stand it.
The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive.
From: www.onlyfunnystories.com
Posted in Funny Story, Story for Adult, Varta | Tagged: Adult, Advice, Alert, Attitude, Challenge, Common sense, Complaint, Education, Experience, Genius, Humour, Idiot, Knowledge, Story for Adult, Stupid, Varta, Wisdom | Leave a Comment »
Posted by kathavarta on October 10, 2008
A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial-a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know me?”
She responded, “Yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I’ve known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you’ve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs.
You think you’re a rising big shot when you haven’t the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.”
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, “Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?”
She again replied, “Why, yes I do. I’ve known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He’s lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can’t build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him.”
At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, “If either of you asks her if she knows me, you’ll be in jail within 3 minutes!”
From: www.onlyfunnystories.com
Posted in Funny Story, Story for Adult, Varta | Tagged: Accuracy, Act, Adult, Advice, Alert, Attitude, Common sense, Counsel, Experience, Fear, Humour, Knowledge, Reality, Story for Adult, Truth, Varta, Wisdom, Wit | 1 Comment »
Posted by kathavarta on October 10, 2008
Well Sulio’s boss thinks for a minute and then comes up with a name. “Tom Selleck! I bet you don’t know Tom Selleck!” Sulio says “Tom Selleck! Tom and I were in boy scouts together when we were kids!” but Sulio’s boss says “No you weren’t!” then Sulio says “Yes we were!” so they fly to Hollywood and drive up to Tom Selleck’s house. Sulio knocks on the door and Tom Selleck answers and Sulio goes “Tom!!!” and Tom goes “Sulio!” and they hug and catch up for 30 minutes and Sulio’s boss can’t believe it. But then he thinks “Well that could happen, it’s just one person,” so he tells Sulio and Sulio says “OK, pick somebody else!”
This time Sulio’s boss has someone in mind! “The president, Bill Clinton! You don’t know Bill Clinton!” but Sulio says “Oh yes I do! Bill and I were on debate team together in college!” Sulio’s boss says “No you weren’t!” and Sulio says “Yes we were!” so they fly to Washington and they catch up with the President at a press conference. They work their way through the crowd until Sulio get’s close enough to catch Clinton’s eye and waves “Bill!” and the President waves “Sulio!” and after the press conference they hug and catch up for 30 minutes and Sulio’s boss is stunned– he can’t believe it. But then he thinks “Well that’s just two people in one country– that doesn’t mean he knows everyone in the whole world!” so he tells Sulio and Sulio says “OK, pick someone out of the world spectrum and I know them!”
And Sulio’s boss knows just who to pick so he says “The Pope! You do not know the Pope!” and Sulio says “The Pope! The Pope BAPTIZED me!” and Sulio’s boss says “No he didn’t!” and Sulio says “Yes he did!” so they fly to Rome where the Pope is giving Mass in front of hundreds of thousands of people. They work their way through the crowd– without much luck– so Sulio says “Boss, we’re never gonna get there together through all these people so I tell you what–I’ll work my way up there and when I do, I’ll give you a sign that shows you I know the Pope!” and he leaves. Well Sulio’s boss waits and waits and waits and just when he’s about to give up, he sees the Pope come out onto the balcony and right there beside him is Sulio!
Shortly afterwards, Sulio’s boss passes out. Sulio comes back and finds his boss passed out and he fans him and says “Boss! Boss! Wake up!” and when his boss comes to, he asks “Boss what happened?” Sulio’s boss looks at Sulio and says “OK, I can see Tom Selleck. I can see Bill Clinton…hell, I can even take the Pope! But when somebody standing next to me asks ‘Who’s that up there with Sulio?’ that’s a little more than I can take!
From: www.onlyfunnystories.com
Posted in Funny Story, Story for Adult, Varta | Tagged: Accuracy, Act, Adult, Advice, Affection, Alert, Challenge, Confidence, Counsel, Courage, Enlightenment, Famous, Humour, Imagination, Knowledge, Lesson, Mysterious, Story for Adult, Varta, Wit | Leave a Comment »
Posted by kathavarta on October 10, 2008
He and a friend go duck hunting in winter, and of course all the lakes are frozen. These two guys go out on the lake with their guns, a dog, and of course the new vehicle. They drive out onto the lake ice and get ready. Now, they want to make some kind of a natural landing area for the ducks, something for the decoys to float on.
In order to make a hole large enough to look like something a wandering duck would fly down and land on, it’s going to take a little more effort than an ice hole drill. So, out of the back of the nw Navigator truck comes a stick of dynamite with a short, 40-second fuse.
Now, these two Rocket Scientists do take into consideration that they want to place the stick of dynamite on the ice at a location far from where they are standing (and from the new Navigator truck), and they don’t want to take the risk of slipping on the ice when they run from the lit dynamite fuse and possibly go up in smoke with the resulting blast. They light the 40-second fuse and throw the dynamite as far away as they can.
Remember a couple of sentences back when I mentioned the vehicle, the guns, and the dog??
Let’s talk about the dog: it’s a highly trained Labrador used for RETRIEVING. Especially well trained at retrieving things thrown by the owner. You guessed it, the dog takes off at a high rate of doggy speed on the ice and captures the stick of dynamite with the burning 40-second fuse about the time it hits the ice. The two men yell, scream, wave their arms and wonder what to do now. The dog, cheered on, keeps coming.
One of the guys grabs the shotgun and shoots the dog. The shotgun is loaded with #8 birdshot, hardly big enough to stop a Lab. The dog stops for a moment, slightly confused, but continues on. Another shot and this time the dog, still standing, becomes really confused and of course terrified, thinking these two geniuses have gone insane. The dog takes off to find cover, under the brand new Navigator truck..
The men continue to yell as they run away. The exhaust pipe on the truck is still hot, so the dog yelps and drops the dynamite under the truck, and takes off after his master.
Then –BOOM– the truck is blown to bits and sinks to the bottom of the lake in a very large hole, leaving the two idiots standing there with this “I can’t believe this happened” look on their faces.
The insurance company says that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal use of explosives is NOT COVERED. He still had yet to make the first of those $560.00 a month payments!!!
And you thought your day was not going well.
From: www.onlyfunnystories.com
Posted in Funny Story, Story for Adult, Varta | Tagged: Accuracy, Act, Adult, Advice, Affection, Alert, Care, Challenge, Common sense, Complaint, Confidence, Counsel, Courage, Dog, Foolish, Humour, Idiot, Story for Adult, Think, Varta, Wisdom | Leave a Comment »
Posted by kathavarta on October 10, 2008
Every night, Harold would go down to the liquor store, get a six pack, bring it home, and drink it while he watched TV. One night, as he finished his last beer, the doorbell rang. He stumbled to the door and found a six-foot cockroach standing there. The bug grabbed him by the collar and threw him across the room, and left.
The next night, after he finished his 3th beer, the doorbell rang.
He walked slowly to the door and found the same six-foot cockroach standing there. The big bug punched him in the stomach, then left.
The next night, after he finished his 1st beer, the doorbell rang again. The same six-foot cockroach was standing there. This time he was kneed in the groin and hit behind the ear as he doubled over in pain. Then the big bug left.
The fourth night Harold didn’t drink at all. The doorbell rang. The cockroach was standing there. The bug beat the snot out of Harold and left him in a heap on the living room floor.
The following day, Harold went to see his doctor. He explained events of the preceding four nights. ”
” What can I do? ” he pleaded.
” Not much ” he doctor replied. ” There’s just a nasty bug going around.”
From: www.onlyfunnystories.com
Posted in Funny Story, Story for Adult, Varta | Tagged: Accuracy, Act, Adult, Advice, Alert, Bug, Choice, Common sense, Complaint, Confusion, Counsel, Dream, Drunk, Humour, Illusion, Lesson, Liquer, Punishment, Story for Adult, Varta, Wisdom, Wit | Leave a Comment »
